4-0...Whoa, when did that happen?

I know this blog started out about the tiny person who we now know as Jack Elliot, but it’s hard when a moment like this comes to not have somewhere to reflect on it.  This past Friday marked my 40^th birthday and it seems worthy of note. 

Crafty banner by Brett: "Oh Shit, Forty?!"

4-0.  Whoa.  That sounds crazy.  That’s how old Old People are.  At least that’s what I remember thinking when I was a teenager or in my 20s.   And yet, here I am 40.  And I honestly don’t feel any older than I did then. 

I know that getting on in age is usually one of those things that most people don’t look forward to.  I don’t know if I ever was that kind of person.  I certainly am not now.

I was thinking this morning about the last decade.  It’s hard to imagine or believe really.  My 30^th birthday was celebrated just a few weeks after finishing 5 weeks of radiation and 6 months of chemotherapy for breast cancer.  My hair was barely growing in, I had just purchased my house, and 30 friends met me for dinner at Montage.  Yes, Montage - the only table in Portland that could fit 30 people.  There was certainly lots to celebrate and to be grateful for.

And here we are ten years later and that feeling of gratitude is here again.  I am so grateful to see 40.  For that year of my life, nearly a decade ago, I had doubts that I would see 30, let alone all the wonderful, crazy, hectic, adventurous years that have followed.  Since then, I have met the big love of my life, traveled and lived halfway around the world, met amazing people and friends who are scattered near and far, continued friendships with folks I’ve known from high school and even earlier, and have a wonderful baby boy who is the little love of my life.   

As I begin this next decade, it’s hard to know where it will take me.  A friend asked last night “Do you ever look around you and just think how great all this is?” motioning all around.   And I do.  I don’t take any of it for granted.  I am curious, optimistic and excited to see what the next decade holds.  Will we go back overseas?  Will we think about a sister or brother for Jack?  Will we decide to sell our house?  Will we ever retile the damn bathroom floor?  Oh, the places we may go.

Thanks to my dear friends who shared in and celebrated four decades with me this year – you have been with me through thick and thin, through some bad times and mostly, overwhelmingly good times.  I know I don’t see you nearly enough and time is always not on our side, especially in the last year.  But when we do get together, it's as if time doesn't exist and we are right back where we were.  

And a round of applause to my sweet husband and best friend – it’s not always easy, but damn, we do better than most.   Much love all, much love. 

Come on let me tell you 'bout my best friend...

On this night a year ago, we were just finishing up dinner at the Lucky Lab, hashing out the plans for the morning and Jack’s big arrival.  We laugh now about my plan to eat cinnamon rolls and drink mimosas as soon as the c-section was done.  In and out!  Lickity split!  Ha!  No one had the heart to tell me, ‘Girl!  You’ll be lucky if you can sit up, let alone eat a cinnamon roll or have a cocktail!”

We came home from pizza, packed our bags and oh, how it felt like Christmas Eve.  That next morning, up early and to the hospital before 6 and Jack Elliot in the world by 8 am, December 18^th.  What a day! And what a year it has been since! A year of so many firsts – both amazing and trying at all once.  A year that at one time seemed so impossible to imagine, and one that now could never be duplicated, never will be and seems to have passed too quickly.

Last year, we were blessed with a newborn baby. At 9 lbs. 14 oz. he seemed delicate and fragile to us, but he was sturdy and strong from the get-go.  And this year, we are blessed to have a toddler walking, albeit not very smoothly, up and down the hall, across rooms and into places he probably shouldn’t be. 

We are blessed with a sweet boy, who truly has strong opinions – he knows what book he wants to ‘read’, he knows what book he wants you to read, he knows what kitchen utensil he would like to play with, he knows whose cell phone he would prefer to mess with.  This boy, he knows what he wants.  

We are blessed with a babbler and a comedian.  He has caught on to what makes us laugh and we have caught on to what makes him laugh.  A peek around a corner, a sudden nonsense word, and an “I’m gonna get yooouuuuu” are always certain to get a laugh from any and all of us. 

We are also blessed (or rather Jack is blessed) with my good sense of rhythm.  A good song can produce a head bob and leg stomp.  In fact, sometimes he looks just like Elvis.  Almost. When that right leg gets going…

We are blessed. If you know this little man at all, you know exactly what I mean.  Yes, we have never lost more sleep than we have in this last year.  Yes, we have probably never worried as much as we have this last year.  Yes, we have never, or I have never called my doctor as many times to ask about such seemingly ridiculous things, such as ‘He has a cough, is it a cold?' Repeat again in two days, 'He has a cough, still just a cold?'

Yes, this year has been full of as many firsts for us as it has for Jack.  And as this first year comes to a close, I feel more fortunate, more gratitude than I ever have.  Jack Elliot is amazing.  Every day, I feel so lucky to be his momma and so glad he has such a wonderful dad in Brett.  We truly are the lucky ones.

So at night, after we have exhausted the nighttime reading list, have turned out the lights, we rock to sleep while I tell him this story:  

There once was a girl and a boy who got married and decided that they wanted to have a baby.  It wasn’t easy for them though and as much as they hoped and prayed, a baby never came.  And then one day after many years, they found out that finally, a baby was on his way. They couldn’t have been happier.  So they planned and they prepared and they waited as patiently as they could for their little man to arrive.  After months of waiting, the day had finally arrived and early in the morning on that cold December day just a week before Christmas, he arrived.  Never had the now Momma and Daddy been so happy.  Never had they felt such joy and relief to have him in their arms.  He is the apple of Momma’s eye and Daddy’s special guy.  Finally they were a family.  And this little baby is so loved by his Momma and his Daddy and his grandmas and grandpa and aunties and uncles and cousins and great grandmas and great grandpa.  Boy, is this baby loved. 

And so he is.  Happy 1st Birthday Jack Elliot!  We love you so much!  Thank you for blessing our lives and giving us the opportunity to be your parents.   

A New Life

Jack Elliot Duesing
Born December 18, 2013
9lbs. 14 oz.
20.5 inches long

Well, he is here and it is hard to believe that he is over 3 weeks old!  'They' say the time goes by quickly and I can now confirm that 'they' are right.  I do not know where the time has gone.  To be fair, I am going on half the sleep and probably half the calories and days and nights are truly a blur.  But still...

I want to get his birth story down before I forget it and I already feel the memories fading ever so slightly as they are replaced by new, even more amazing memories of Jack. 

The most important aspect is that this little man, Jack Elliot Duesing, is truly a little miracle.  We woke early, really early Wednesday, December 18^th, 2013 in order to get to Providence Medical Center for our 5:30 check-in.  The whole morning felt surreal – it was hard to imagine that we were leaving our house for the last time as a couple, and would be returning with a new baby and a new family.  Just like that. 

The morning was cold, freezing to be exact.  We had just had a few weeks of freezing and below freezing temperatures and that morning was no exception.  We gathered our bags, made sure the dogs were fed, chickens had water and out we went. 

We arrived on time and checked into the maternity ward.  We were set up in our room and immediately things were on their way.   Our nurse came in, started to get all the lab work done and get us prepped for surgery.  The anesthesiologist arrived, a nurse to get the IV going, and eventually Johnson, herself.   Brett was given what can only be described as a white spacesuit and booties and by 7:30 we were being wheeled into the operating room.  If you’ve ever been in an operating room, you know two things about them: they are freezing cold and they are the brightest rooms you’ve ever been in. 

Up until this point, I think I had kind of hoped that perhaps we would still be able to have a natural childbirth.  But as luck would have it, and I do truly believe it was luck, we were having a C-section.  It is a strange way to have a baby; I can say that.  I’ve seen natural births before and this was nothing like that.  Brett was waiting outside the OR until they had everything ready to go.  After receiving the spinal block, not an epidural, my body became entirely numb from my chest down.  I was laid down on the table.  A tent was placed at about chest level that kept Brett and I from seeing the actual procedure.  And Brett was allowed in.  Johnson looked over the tent and said, “Let’s have a baby!”

What happened next wasn’t painful or uncomfortable, but it was a lot of tugging and pulling.  I could see Johnson’s face and hear her – she was getting quite a workout trying to get Jack out.  It went on for what seemed like forever.  I kept waiting to hear the emerging cry of a new baby…waiting…the longer it took, the more worried I became.  It seemed like it was taking an awful long time to get him out.  I expected that once the incision was made, out he would come.  At some point, we heard the anesthesiologist call out “two minutes.”  Neither Brett nor I knew what that meant, but my gut told me that any call out of time was probably not a good thing.  Things seemed to get a little more frantic and within just a few moments I saw one of the nurses bring Jack over to the baby warmer.  Johnson told Brett that he could head on over to the warmer.  A number of nurses and doctors circled around the warmer and within just a few moments, I finally heard his cry.  Relief.  Breathe.  I could finally breathe.  I felt like I had spent the last 9 months holding my breath, waiting for this little guy to come and worrying that he might not.  Johnson told Brett to go and cut the cord.  She looked down at me, assuring me he was fantastic, weighed a whopping 9 lbs. and 14 ounces, and the process of ‘closing me up’ began.  As she worked sewing things back up, delirium set in and the most intense chills and shakes I have ever experienced.  And nausea, the last thing I wanted to do was to get sick.  Brett brought Jack over to me, I kissed his little cheek and then he was whisked away to the nursery where he was thoroughly checked out.  Brett went with him.  Although I was still filled with worry and apprehension, I knew it was going to be okay. He was here with us.  After two long years, being told we had a 1-in-a-million chance of it happening - he was finally here. 

What we now know is that he was very, very transverse.  He was basically laying sideways with his back to my front.  Johnson and her colleague struggled and fought to get him out.  They tried to get him out foot first, that didn't work.  Then they tried to get him out headfirst, that wouldn’t work.  Ultimately, she had to make another incision vertically in order to get him out.   What does it matter?  It definitely has made the recovery a bit more extensive and it means that if there are more babies in the future, I won’t ever be able to have a natural birth.  Johnson seemed so apologetic when she told me that she had to make the additional incision, but all I kept thinking was whatever it took to get Jack here safely is all that mattered.  All that does matter. 

I still don’t know what the time meant and I don’t really want to know.  But all the nurses were calling Johnson a rock star in the delivery room.  Later she told us that it was one of the most difficult deliveries she’d done.  Later, she told us that there has only been one other time that she has completed a delivery and wanted to ‘take a moment’ to herself before she began to stitch things back.  And to be clear – she is a rock star.  I cannot tell you how much I love this doctor.  She is one special woman and an extraordinary doctor.

And so here we are 3 weeks later…Jack is growing and we are getting into the groove of having a newborn.  Life, of course, has changed.  My friend Errin came to stay with us shortly after we got home from the hospital and mentioned that it would be hard for us to even remember our life pre-Jack and she was right. 

He is amazing.  He is beautiful.  He is perfect in every way.  Not sure where this blog will go now.  We shall see.  Thanks to everyone who has followed us along this journey, cheered us on, and supported us in so many different ways.  We are off on a new journey with Jack leading the way.  

Almost there...

Well, it’s been one eventful week.  Despite my better judgment, I made THE spiciest Chili on Tuesday night.  I mention this because I think it was the source of the contractions that started soon after, followed by perhaps a bit of the – TMI ALERT – mucus plug.  So I immediately called my OBs office and by 10 p.m. we were in Labor and Delivery.   Mind you – we were not even ready yet.  We had a stack of Christmas cards to be signed and mailed on the table, housecleaners coming but still 3 days away, no bag packed, no car seat in the car yet.  And most importantly, I needed a haircut.  

As a nurse escorted us from the Emergency Room to L&D, he noted, “You sure seem pretty calm.”  I told him it was because I had no idea what was going on really and no idea what to expect.  Being clueless really helps in moments like these.

We arrived through the double doors and it was oddly quiet.  Brett and I laughed later because I think we both expected it to be utter chaos.  Imagine…as we walk in, we announce we are having contractions and some disheveled nurse throws her papers and files in the air “A baby is coming, a baby is coming – what to do, what to do??” But no, they just took us to a very nice, large birthing room.  Immediately Brett asks, “Is ALL this necessary, I mean, we are just here to have her checked out?”  First sign of nervous jitters that I have seen out of him.  The nurse explained that they had no triage rooms and not to worry, this room would be fine.  Not a big deal. 

So we got comfortable, they put monitors on me and my large belly and we waited.  Yep, contractions were happening.  Luckily, one of the other OBs from my OBs practice was on call and he came to check on us.  Well, my cervix to be more precise.  Yep, 70% effaced and something about a fingertip.  I have no idea.  And, nothing was presenting – I think that means there was nothing trying to escape my womb.  This was good news.   “It appears your body is getting ready for labor, although you aren’t exactly in labor,” he said.  “But, I would like to keep you overnight and make sure that you don’t progress given that he is transverse and with the cord and placenta lying low.  If you do, we might be looking at a c-section tomorrow – so no food, only water.”

WHAAATTT????!!?!?!  And again, the list of all that I had to do ran through my brain.  Okay, okay, so yeah, we might have a baby tomorrow – good God! What??!?!  And then I let it go. 

By now, it was midnight, the roads were supposed to be getting icy and I was fine to crash there.  But given that we brought nothing with us, dutiful husband went all the way back across town to get a few things so we could at least feel halfway human in the morning.

Brett was back by 1 am.  Made his comfy bed on the couch in the room and we both tried to get some sleep.  At least twice I heard the festive cries of newborn babies – it was a pretty sweet sound. I imagined how relieved and ecstatic those families must have been and for a moment, I think I was ready if they had come in and said we would need to do the C-Section right then.

However, that was not the plan for this little guy.  I, of course, was up early – only 4 hours of sleep for this girl! And waited until 7 am when the nurse and doctor came back in to check.  Things had stayed relatively the same, including the fact that I was still having contractions, but luckily they weren’t causing the cervix to change.  We could go home and wait to hear from my OB, who might want to push things up if she is concerned. 

So we packed up.  Added bonus – a ‘snow day’ was called at school so no work for me!  Can you guess what I did?  I got those Christmas cards signed and mailed.    And then I took it easy.  I reminded this little guy that he did not need to worry about coming out to meet us, that we would come and get him in a week.  So sit tight.  We would be there – no doubt. 

And so we wait.  Our C-Section is scheduled for 7:30 am on Wednesday, Dec. 18th.  This is my last day of work, well partial day of work and then I will hopefully have a few days to get all those last minute things done and taken care of.  Don’t worry, the haircut happened – for Brett, too.  So at the very least, we now look quite photogenic.  My bag is packed.  The cleaners come today and aside from Brett’s stocking, I am both ready for this baby and for Christmas.   Brett is sad to see this belly go, who knew?  But I am going to relish being able to touch my toes and pick things up off the floor.  

It is hard to believe that these 9 months are coming to a close.  I can remember those days when I felt the pain of thinking we would never have a baby or start a family.  In fact, there are still blogs I read from other women, still struggling with infertility and I can feel and hear that pain they have - it's still so familiar.  I hope that their struggles will pass.  I can't imagine a worse place to be.  I, we, feel such gratitude that this little guy is coming to us.  What a blessing he is to us, already.  

We will keep you posted.  Pretty exciting times. 

Less than 6 weeks to go

It's hard to believe that way back in the spring we found out that after 2 years we were finally successful in our attempts to have a viable pregnancy.  And now, with just 6 weeks to go, the anticipation is really getting to me.  I can't wait to meet, see and hold this little guy.  It seemed like so much of the focus was just on making it happen that you can often lose sight of what 'making it happen' results in!  

And things are moving along.  My dearest and oldest friends in Portland - Pearl and Erica - planned an organized a shower for us.  It was perfect.  There were the friends and 'aunties' from Portland and then the friends and family who travelled hours to be here.  It was truly a great party.  This baby is certainly loved and has such a community of wonderful folk surrounding him.  What a lucky guy!

We are still organizing and nesting.  I can feel a big cleaning nesting session coming up. Maybe during Thanksgiving weekend.  Brett is currently adding final painting touches to the nursery and we are trying to figure out how to be uber organized - that, I believe, is the secret to not feeling entirely overwhelmed and feeling prepared.  We'll see if that works.  

The one wrench in our plan has been around the type of birth we will have.  Way back in June I mentioned about the spotting issues and the result was the placenta being too close to the cervix, essentially this little guy's exit route.  We have had a number of follow up x-rays to see how things have progressed.  Luckily the placenta has moved about 4 cm away from the opening- which, according to my OB is great.  Hopefully you sense the big "but" that is approaching...BUT, he remains breach at 33 weeks, which could change - again, do you sense the big "but" coming - BUT, the umbilical cord connects with the placenta at the bottom, not in the center as is usually the case.  So now, the cord is blocking the cervix.  In essence, my OB feels like he is basically sitting on the placenta like a cushion and that is making it 1) difficult for him to turn and 2) will make it nearly impossible for him to get through the cervical opening with the cord where it is.  It just wouldn't be safe to attempt it unless things change drastically.  So...we have another ultrasound during the week of Thanksgiving and we will find out what the plan is.  

She asked me, as she was drawing me a great picture of the placenta and cord placement, about my birth plan, 'So, what's your birth plan? 'Cause my birth plan for you is to place a healthy baby in your arms.  That's pretty much it.  Whatever that means we have to do.'

'That's pretty much my birth plan,' I told her. 

'Having a C-section doesn't make you any less of a mother,' she assured me.  And I know she's right. 

We have watched documentary and films about natural birth, read about it and yes, ideally, I would like to have that experience for this baby and I.  However, after all that we've been through - having him here and healthy is priority #1.  As Brett characterized it, we are about the product and less about the process at this point in our baby-making careers.  

So I imagine that during our next ultrasound, at 36 weeks, we will see where everything is in there and we will make the call about the c-section.  There are of course pros to this route, including just knowing when he will be here and being sure we are prepared.  The cons are of course missing out on the experience and just the 'fatefulness' of his arrival.  I hope we can at least pick the day out of a hat so that there is some 'fate' involved.  

I'm not exactly sure how soon after 36 weeks the delivery would be scheduled, but I know that she does not want me to go into labor on my own if the cord/placenta continue to be where they are.  So this baby could be home and snug before Christmas for sure.  Baby's 1st Christmas.  Crazy to think and type. 

Today, Brett and I are headed to the coast for the night.  Likely our last trip out of town as a couple, but looking forward to many trips as a family in the future. 

Pregnancy Brain...

This morning, I realized that it had been a while since I had posted in this blog.  Since June to be exact. It's crazy to think that so much time has passed.  June seems like forever ago.  And then, I found this blog post I had written in September, but never posted.  Pregnancy brain.  I decided to go ahead and post it because hey! I wrote it, why let it go to waste.  But a more recent post is definitely in the works.

From September 2013: 

School is about to get underway and I’m heading into my 24^th week or so.  Time seems to be flying and there is a part of me that wants to hold on to each moment – who knows if we will have more babies.  And part of me can’t wait for December and the joy of meeting this little guy.  And let’s be honest, I think I am about to enter the ‘uncomfortable’ stage and have seen little bits here and there the last week. 

 As most of you mommies already know – sleep is a thing I long for.  In fact, the other day I caught myself thinking.  One thing I’ll really look forward to once this baby boy arrives is sleep.  And then I had to laugh, as you are all probably doing right now.  Sleep?  Wait another 18 years or so…A girl can dream right?

Up to this point, things have gone pretty smoothly.  I did have a few weeks where I was spotting and of course, was on the phone with my doctor every week.  Turns out it was just the placenta very close to the cervix and, as my doctor predicted, the baby would grow and the placenta would move away from the cervix and the spotting would stop.  And that’s exactly what happened.  But she is gracious and kind and any panic I had she saw me immediately, checked the heartbeat and did an ultrasound for us.  She is really the best. 

We have already started to get all crazy nesty around here.  Even Brett.  Or I should say, really, it’s Brett.  As I type, he’s outside, sweeping, cleaning, organizing the garage, fixing things.  I tease him that he’ll be glad when I go back to work so he can just relax, but I think it might continue.  He’s been amazing.  He is so wonderfully helpful and he absolutely loves this belly.  I had no idea I would love that belly so much.  Is a common phrase he says nowadays.  And it is finally getting to be a belly.  For a while, it really just looked like I had spent the summer gorging on beer and carbs.  I wish! 

Other than growing this life, honestly, not much has happened this summer.  Oddly, we finally heard back from one of the last organizations we applied to for a grant and were awarded it!  We had completely forgotten about it and it had not ‘final’ due date, so you just submit everything and wait.  Even though we don’t need it, it was comforting to know that if things had not turned out as miraculously as they have, we would have had some additional help and support coming our way.  And plus – we won a grant!!  But the good news is that someone else will get to use that and hopefully, it will make their dreams come true.  That’s nice to know. 

So school starts and I’m hoping this little guy hangs in there until school gets out on December 20^th.  And then, we will just wait for his arrival.