If only wishing made it possible

Well, I wish I had good news to report.  I don't.  At our appointment today, we learned that the yolk sac had grown, but there was still no evidence of a fetal pole or embryo.   No one seemed optimistic.  

My OB and I both agreed that doing a D&C was pretty much out of the question considering what havoc it wreaked last time.  So we wait for the 'products of conception' to pass on their own.  She did give me some pills that I can take that will help to bring it on, but I said I would wait it out a few weeks and then, if nothing had happened on its own, would come in for one last ultrasound before choosing that option.  I'd hate to think we weren't 100% sure, even though it is highly unlikely that would be the case.  

I think the worst bit is that I still have and will have pregnancy symptoms until I actually miscarriage.  So, hunger, nausea, exhaustion, etc.  All of it will continue until we are through the miscarriage.  Seems pretty cruel to me.  

So summer begins and soon it will be a year since we started this whole starting a family thing.  For now, I feel defeated and exhausted.  Will take some time and hopefully get back in the game in a few months.  Just not sure I can take the ups and downs of all this.  As for this blog,  not sure I can continue to drag everyone through those ups and downs with us.  That, too, seems cruel.  

For now, I will rest, try and figure out what is next and hope that this journey we are on has a happy beginning somewhere down the road.

Hope for a Happy Ending

I just really want this to have a happy ending.  We just might have pulled this thing off.  On June 1^st, I was going out for happy hour after work, but I just had this nagging feeling that I should really take a pregnancy test before I went.  If by chance we’d had success this month, I certainly didn’t want to celebrate by intoxicating my developing embryo.  So I took it and it was positive.  We’re pregs.  The amazing thing is that in all honesty, it is the first cycle we have set out with laser focus to accomplish this and we did it!  At this point, Brett’s ego is ever expanding.  “Twice in less than a year,” he brags.

And so like most good news I’ve received during any of this voyage to Babytown, the positive feelings last for about a 24-hour period, until I find some tidbit on the Internet that throws me into a nosedive tail spin of worry and anxiety.  And so it has been since we found out I was pregnant.  I was reading another woman’s blog who had miscarried 5 or 6 times before she finally carried a baby to term and I just don’t want to be her! Please universe, god, whoever is sitting up there, please do not let that be me.  

She also pointed out a feeling I know all too well – I know more about what can go wrong in a pregnancy than I do about having a successful one.  I could be a real doomsday of information as far as that stuff goes.  I won’t, for my own sanity, go into it now but if you are interested, you should see about getting inside my head. 

I think that one of the sad side effects of having a miscarriage is that it makes it incredibly hard to be ‘excited’ about being pregnant again.  It is as if the innocence we had before, the naïve sense that the difficult part of actually getting sperm and egg to meet, was over.  I imagine that once we make it successfully past each little milestone and hurdle, we will feel more confident, more celebratory.  But until then, it is so very hard to feel sheer, unadulterated excitement and confidence.  

About two weeks ago, I started having some strange spotting business and immediately called my OB and demanded (Yes, that is exactly what I did) a blood test to measure my HcG levels.  This hormone, if it doubles over 48 hours in early pregnancy, is a good indicator of whether your pregnancy is progressing.   Unfortunately, the woman who ordered the blood test, did not order the correct one and so there was a huge snafu.  I had to wait another day for the number to come back and then had to return two days later to give blood again.  They will compare the two numbers to see how things are going.  My number was high for the first and although it wasn’t doubling, was increasing.  Once your numbers are over 6000, they stop doubling every 48 hours and take much longer.  So, according to my OB, things looked good. 

She asked if I wanted to come in for an ultrasound that same day.  I did and I didn’t.  I knew that if we didn’t see a perfect little sac and baby and heartbeat, I would be a bloodhound on the Internet searching for answers that are never there or if they are, never satisfying.  So I went in.  And there was a perfect gestational sac, measuring exactly 5w1d, but nothing else. 

“Looks exactly like what we should see,” she assured me. “Come back next week and we should see a lot more.”

However, I wasn’t assured.  And so we came back last week to hopefully see a lot more.  The gestational sac had grown over that week and was measuring exactly 6w1d.  The tech had a hard time seeing anything inside.  At one point, it seems like she might have finally found the yolk sac (where eventually we will see an embryo) but it is still very small and sort of wedged against the side so is hard to see. 

Our OB either has an amazing poker face or she really is hopeful.  She didn’t seem too upset by this, but rather said, “I’ve seen it go either way.” So we wait and we go again on Wednesday.  By then, we should see something for sure. If we don’t, then it is likely that I will miscarry this pregnancy, too.  Seems pretty cruel of the universe, but then I think of the other woman, with her 6 miscarriages and I think if she can do it, I can, too? Problem is, I just don’t want to. 

We had decided when I found out I was pregs that we weren’t going to tell but a very few people.  But as Wednesday approaches, I feel like I need all the hope I can gather in the universe from the folks who are keeping tabs on us as we go on this journey.  I just really want this story to have a happy ending, not only for us, but for any woman out there who has been through a miscarriage, worried about if she will be able to get pregnant again and once she is worry about staying pregnant.   I want to be hope and not despair.  So we will wait until Wednesday and continue to hope and pray that this baby is healthy and growing. 

Maybe you all could you do the same?

Where in the World is Keri T.?

I know – where have I been?  I guess the good news is that I clearly have not been obsessing as much over this baby thing.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been, but luckily I have been busy with other things and trying to finally get back into a routine of some sort.  Plus, let’s be really honest.  I’ve been watching AMC’s The Killing and I will be glad when I’m done so that I can crack open a book or do something else other than gorge on that feast.

I also have not been noticing every bulbous pregnant belly around me.   That is good.  Maybe they are all having their babies right now so they are off the streets.  

It seems like the main focus of our lives has not been Babytown but what Brett wants to do for work.  He has been doing this writing/PR thing for so long that he is actually really good at something he doesn’t want to do anymore.  It’s hard to break up with that work and venture forth.  He’s been searching and thinking and trying to find his way.  I feel lucky that I knew I wanted to be a teacher since I was probably 5 years old.  No joke.  

But yesterday, it came to him.  It seems so obviously perfect that it’s hard to imagine we hadn’t thought of it before.  He has tentative plans to head back to school in the fall, study statistics and hopefully get his Ph.D. before he turns 45.   For the guy who spent all last presidential election on the 538 blog, it makes perfect sense for him to be into this.  Statisticians are everywhere – he could work in politics, social services, education, psychology – you name it.   It seems like he has a direction and is excited about where that could lead him.    

And as for me, work life is good, exciting, finally feeling creative.  I am going to be teaching Humanities with an amazing teaching team to 10^th graders next year, as well as doing the teacher coaching stuff.  It really is ideal and I am inspired about next year. 

I haven’t let the desire for a family totally slip from the forethought of my mind, it just seems that it – having a baby or preparing my body to be able to have a baby - is becoming part of the routine.  I have been upping all the supplements I take – it’s quite an elaborate routine in the mornings.  I have increased my acupuncture visits, included some homeopathy and some Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I am back at the yoga, riding my bike more frequently, and overall trying to get healthy and happy. And all of that just seems like life, as opposed to feeling like this other thing that is taking away from my life.

With the results of the HSG so positive, we are really left to either work it out on our own or become a patient at Oregon Reproductive Health and I guess that neither Brett nor I are ready to make that kind of commitment.  I’m just not ready to be scared into accepting all sorts of interventions to get pregnant – yet.  I say yet because things can change.  They always do.  I’m willing to give it some time to see where we can get on our own – with some effort and planning.  If then, we aren’t able to get our little baby growing, we will have to explore options.  Till then, we will enjoy each other and enjoy the summer.

Some friend mentioned that I should start a Baby Bucket list and do all the things I want to do before pregnancy and a baby makes that difficult.  If only I could win the lottery, then I would.  I think my Baby Bucket list would really only be comprised of trips and travel.  And I don’t really think I can throw in a summer trip to Africa or Europe this year.  Maybe Christmas? Bike trip across the US?  Yeah, that’s not gonna happen this summer either.  Guess whenever it does happen I’ll just have to take said baby with us.  

So life has just been humming along.  It finally feels like things are smoothing out and calming down.  Our garden is flourishing, our baby chicks are growing and they will get new accommodations built this weekend.  The dog and cats seem happy and content.  We have a good life together and that’s where we are and truly where I've been.