Ah…a new year. It’s
funny what we start a new year thinking and what we realize when we look
back. When 2012 started, we were in a
pretty dark place. Our 1st
miscarriage was only 2 months back, my cycles still had not resumed, and the
optimistic part of myself hoped and believed that I would get pregnant fairly
quickly and by the next Christmas we would likely be celebrating ‘Baby’s 1st
Christmas.’
Well, as you know, that didn’t happen. But this winter, things definitely weren’t as
dark. Not even close. You’d think that the longer your battle with
infertility goes, the deeper you get in the mire, and find it hard to feel
light about life. But that hasn’t been
the case for us, thankfully. I think for
me, oddly, the longer this goes the easier it becomes. I now know on a monthly basis that 1) either
my period will show up or not or 2) if it doesn’t, that most likely does not
mean I’m pregnant. After finding out we
had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, I really did feel free. And I continue to feel that way.
The last few weeks were fabulous. Being home with Brett was fantastic. We are truly best friends and I know it’s
probably not healthy, but if he and I were the last two people on earth, I
think we could make it for an eternity and not ever kill each other. We may occasionally feel that way, but when
all is said and done – we like each other’s company. We basically pretended
like we were snowed in at our house, even though there was not a snowflake to
be seen. We made and ate delicious
food. We listened to Christmas songs
non-stop (Thanks B – I know this was the hardest part). We read books, went snowshoeing, and hung out
with friends. It was an amazing way to
end the year. And so here we are,
2013.
What we know about 2013 so far, we have definitely decided
to go forward with Donor Egg IVF. We
have decided not to try another IUI cycle and incur the cost and hormonal
craziness that would entail. This means that whatever child we do have,
biologically, won’t be connected to me. We
made peace with this fact months ago. At
first, when we were told that using donor eggs would give us the greatest
chance at having a family – it seemed unthinkable. But as I’ve said before, given my damn
medical history, I know that to continue down a path where I am determined to
use my own eggs, will likely do two things: 1) waste time and 2) possibly mean
more miscarriages and heartache. Who
needs that? I’m done with that and I
know all too well that time is super precious and that suffering through
miscarriages is too gut wrenching to continue.
If I could be certain that a person only got pregnant if an egg was
perfect and it would always result in a viable pregnancy – then we would
continue to try for a while, perhaps.
But I know this isn’t the case.
Bum eggs get fertilized, they implant, they give you a positive
pregnancy test and leave you feeling full of life and hope, and then they don’t
always make it. That cycle is too much
to continue. In fact, now I feel more nervous that I WILL get pregnant and we
will have to suffer through that cycle.
At this point, we are looking for as close to a sure thing as we can get
because damn it – we want a family already!
I have spent a great deal of time thinking about why it is
that we are choosing this option, say, versus adoption. I know many amazing families that have been
created through adoption. It finally
occurred to me why I am so willing to spend the time, energy, and money on
carrying this baby myself. My body
betrayed me years ago. And ever since, I
don’t think we’ve had a very good relationship.
I don’t trust this body very much and we’ve had some pretty bad times
together. I have been unable to forgive
it and forget it. My body, till now, has
been a reminder of that. At the end of
the day, I want to feel like my body can do positive things, too. It doesn’t just try to end life; it can
create life, too. I need to feel
positive about my body again and what it is capable of. I need that.
So for us, for me, carrying this baby will really mean moving on to a
new chapter in life in so many ways.
2013 – the year of preparation. We are slowly preparing for what comes
next. We have a long checklist provided
by our donor egg coordinator of all we need to do. It involves a lot of tests, physicals, appointments
with counselors to discuss all the issues that may arise, mock cycles, more
appointments and decisions, and gathering funds.
We are applying for the Pay it Forward fertility grant in
February. We have also started a
GoFundMe website where many of you have already contributed to our cause. I can’t tell you how thankful we are. For me, your generosity isn’t just about the
financial piece – it sort of feels like an endorsement. You think we’d be good parents! So thank you, so very much.
We are hoping that this will be our year.
