Third Time is a Charm...

and miracles do happen...

I’ve been thinking for weeks about how or if I would ever get a chance to write this post.  It has seemed like such a long time coming.  As you well know, after many appointments with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, a failed IUI, coming to accept his diagnosis that we had a 1% chance of a healthy pregnancy, weeks of working with an attorney and attending a required meeting with an overpaid psychologist, deciding to move forward with donor egg IVF, we finally took ‘custody’ of our baker’s dozen of frozen donor eggs in late April with plans to thaw and fertilize in late May and transfer in late June.  But apparently, the universe had other plans for us. 

As I type this, we are about 13 weeks along with our very own little miracle baby.  The frozen eggs remain on ice.  Without planning and without thinking it was possible, our last cycle before beginning the process of donor eggs, we managed to get pregnant ourselves.  

I don't know how it happened (well, I mean, technically I know how it happened but...).  I had started training for the Rock 'n Roll half marathon - maybe that got more blood flowing.  I did continue to see my amazing acupuncturist and chinese medicine doctor (I am not her first success story - she might be the miracle in all this).  After receiving the eggs, maybe it was just knowing that it was going to happen one way or another.  It was just a matter of time.  But really, we'll never know.  

And although we are beyond excited, I have spent the last few weeks also worrying and waiting for the other shoe to drop as it has twice before.  Luckily, nothing has gone the way it did before.  And all the hurdles we never passed before, we are.  I’ve had nausea and a bad case of evening sickness.  I have been exhausted.  And let’s not forget the complete irritability – Brett’s favorite! And best of all, we have heard the heartbeat and seen our little soul a number of times, today being the most recent.  And I have to say, HE is already amazing.  He is a serious wiggler.  Johnson, my OB, continues to say he looks good and things look great.  

Yes, we know it is a he already.  A little over a week ago, we opted for a new blood test given to pregnant women over 35 that will (with 98% accuracy) detect Downs Syndrome and a number of Trisomy defects.  It will also detect gender.  We were thrilled to learn that he is healthy and growing and our test results all confirm this.  We also learned that little soul is growing into a baby boy.  Pretty cool.

So now we just keep moving along.  I am still terrified and nervous.  But each day that passes, I feel more reassured and optimistic that this little guy will be with us before the New Year - New Year’s Eve to be exact.  But lucky for us, he is measuring big and it is likely that our due date will be well before the clock strikes midnight.  Either way – we are looking forward to ringing in the New Year with this new addition to our family.

And now that we have finally passed this 1^st trimester hurdle, we finally feel like celebrating.  We also will hope and pray that things continue to go well - please do the same.  Thank you to everyone for your support and your love through this journey with us.  We feel so fortunate right now in so many ways.  This little guy is truly a miracle.  

A Baker's Dozen

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

It’s been a while and when people ask, “How are you?” It’s hard to put into words, except I keep recalling the theme song to The Facts of Life. We have been relentlessly pursuing fertility grants.  And although it certainly doesn’t compare to many education grants I’ve helped with, it takes a lot of wherewithal.  Lots of financial information and gathering and then there is the telling your story.  It seems so weird to have to 1) convince people of why you want a child, 2) explain that you can afford to have a child, and 3) explain why they should help you finance that endeavor.  I mean, most parents don’t ever have to be held accountable in those ways before having a baby.  Sheesh!  Add to that, for a few of the grants, we also had to have letters of recommendation from two friends (thank you so, so much by the way). 

The first grant we applied for, Pay it Forward, unfortunately announced their recipients this week – and we were not on the list.  Granted, they had 82 couples apply and only awarded to two.  I was bummed and yes, it would have been financially nice, but also because it was just a reminder of the process we are going through.   And it’s starting to feel long.  This summer will mark the 2-year mark and we aren’t getting any younger.  In fact, in just a few weeks I’ll be 38.  Yikes.  Bittersweet.  Each birthday, I am so relieved, so grateful to be here and yet, in the face of infertility, reminded of the impact of age on all of this. 

We also just applied to two other grants; one has a rolling submission and twice a year award (which they don’t publish the date?) and another is due April 30 with a July award.  The first is through an organization called Fertile Action, started by a breast cancer survivor and specifically for cancer survivors.  The second, Baby Quest, is for regular ol’ folks.  I feel like these ‘regular ol’ fertility foundations’ probably think that there are a lot of resources for cancer survivors in regards to fertility and in reality, given the high number of young cancer survivors – there are very few.  Only one.   Yes, there are resources for folks prior to cancer treatment to help preserve your fertility, but none after the fact.  So, we find ourselves lumped with everyone experiencing infertility and I just feel like we are yelling, ‘But hey – we’re different! No one is there to help us’ to an empty room.

Bittersweet.  That word has been coming to mind lately as we struggle, move forward, struggle, move forward.  It seems that when we reach a dark moment, something reminds us to keep plugging away – and that has happened quite a bit lately.  People have stepped up in amazing ways – emotionally giving us support and even financially.  You all are amazing!

The day we found out we didn’t get the grant, we got word that some plans that had been in the works were finally finalized.  A very special couple has chosen to donate the remaining eggs they had from a previous donor cycle.  Don’t ask me details, because we aren’t divulging any information about who – just know that we (and probably you, too now) think this is an amazing act of generosity.  Gratitude seems like a gross understatement.  The day we didn’t get the grant, we found out that all the legal documents were signed and cleared and that Brett and I were now the proud custodians of a baker’s dozen of frozen eggs that will hopefully one day become our little babe.  Pretty amazing.  It seems now, even without getting the grant, we are closer towards bring this baby into our life.

So now what?  Well, we begin the process of thawing the eggs, fertilizing them, and hoping that all goes well in that process and the eggs result in healthy growing embryos.  Well, not us personally, but trained professionals.  We will then refreeze those and wait for the best time to transfer them, keep our fingers crossed, and hope that all goes smoothly from there.  Bittersweet.  The optimist in me believes that all will work out. The eggs will thaw perfectly, fertilization will happen and we will have many embryos to work with after all is said and done.   If all of that works out perfectly, the statistics give us a 71% chance that we will get pregnant and have a baby.  The pessimist in me is worried that we will go through all of this and that fate will be cruel and we will find ourselves back at square one, empty handed and trying to figure out how to begin again.  It’s hard to balance protecting yourself from being too excited and being realistic.  We have a phone appointment early this next week to figure out the schedule, the cost, and the plan with Bankowski. 

And even though I am tremendously excited and feel like we just might pull this crazy thing off, it also reminds me that it is looking more and more likely – well, let’s be honest, pretty definitely, that Brett and I won’t be having our own baby: me and him.  I thought I had really come to terms with this when we found out and to be fair, 99% of the time I am.  But I think there was a tiny, tiny part of me that had hoped we would get a true miracle in that department.  And as we move closer to realizing this other amazing miracle, it’s likely I really will have to let that dream go.  I know it will be okay, better than okay when the time comes and that I will not even realize or care that this baby isn’t ‘technically’ a part of me once it’s here.  But it’s been a tiny struggle as of late.  What did I say…bittersweet.

So wish us the greatest of luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move into this next phase.  We likely will not disclose timing on the transfer and all of that.  I say this now, but who knows.  I may feel like I need all the support I can get when the time comes.  

The Waiting Game

Well, it’s beginning to feel like spring, especially this weekend.  The sun is out, the temperatures are rising and all over our backyard the daffodils and tulips are starting to bloom.  The Pacific Northwest can be truly amazing in the spring.  Last year at this time, it seemed like we were hopeful that our miscarriage might have been a fluke.  We were trying on our own and it felt like things were getting back to normal.  Little did we know that last year at this time was really just the beginning, again.

We have become experts at waiting. We have submitted our grant application to the Pay it Forward Fertility Foundation.  We will find out in mid- April whether we will be the lucky recipients of a partial or full grant amount.  We are hopeful.  The organization is one of two that we have found after exhaustive searches that attempt to help couples pay for the outrageously expensive cost of infertility treatments.  They are based out of North Carolina and have only this grant cycle opened up their grant to residents of other states.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.  If we don't hear positive news by mid-April, we will apply to the other grant due at the end of April.  And then, if neither of those pan out, we aren't sure what we will do next.  We have made some progress - much thanks to those of you who have helped our cause.

I had hoped that there would be more grants out there or organizations who specifically work with cancer survivors.  Having been a cancer survivor and seeing as how Dr. B thinks that perhaps cancer treatment is partially to blame for our situation, I contacted the Komen Foundation to find out if they had any programs or knew of any.  Unfortunately, they didn’t.  Their stance, at this point, is trying to advocate with doctors about informing their patients about the risks to their fertility when they undergo treatment.  And, to the credit of the cancer community, there are many programs that help women finance egg retrieval and freezing before they begin treatment.  And, as I think I’ve mentioned before, when I underwent treatment, freezing eggs wasn’t even an option.  It is pretty cool to think that in the last 10 years, such major shifts and changes have occurred.  Science can move so quickly sometimes. 

Lady Business Alert!  In other annoying news, my own cycles have stopped, again.  I think there was a part of me that was holding out hope that perhaps we would still be able to find that one in a million egg that was not damaged by chemotherapy and be able to have our own baby.  Then, this month, the reality hit.  My period didn’t come and I’m not pregnant.  Which means we are back where we were post-miscarriage.  It is possible that it is due to cervical stenosis – which basically means the cervical opening is too narrow for anything to get in or to get out.  So, even if we did want to give it our best shot we would have little success.  Back I go on Monday to have my cervix dilated.  Hopefully, at the very least, I will return to having a period next month.  And really, at this point, that pretty much would be success at this point.  So frustrating and so annoying.  It’s sad that I long for the days when I would have horrible cramps and periods.  Oh, how things have changed.

And, if all of that doesn’t work, then it is possible that I didn’t ovulate – which would be strange given I’m a pseudo-scientist tracking everything about my cycles.  But, I guess anything is possible – that’s one thing I’ve certainly learned.  And if that is the case, well, that's not good either.  Insert big sigh here. 

So, onwards we go.  Keep your fingers crossed for the grant.  We need all the help we can get.  Here is the link to our fundraising site if you can't figure out what to do with that tax refund you might be getting! 

http://www.gofundme.com/1kxols

Happy New Year!

Ah…a new year.  It’s funny what we start a new year thinking and what we realize when we look back.  When 2012 started, we were in a pretty dark place.  Our 1^st miscarriage was only 2 months back, my cycles still had not resumed, and the optimistic part of myself hoped and believed that I would get pregnant fairly quickly and by the next Christmas we would likely be celebrating ‘Baby’s 1^st Christmas.’ 

Well, as you know, that didn’t happen.  But this winter, things definitely weren’t as dark.  Not even close.  You’d think that the longer your battle with infertility goes, the deeper you get in the mire, and find it hard to feel light about life.  But that hasn’t been the case for us, thankfully.  I think for me, oddly, the longer this goes the easier it becomes.  I now know on a monthly basis that 1) either my period will show up or not or 2) if it doesn’t, that most likely does not mean I’m pregnant.  After finding out we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, I really did feel free.  And I continue to feel that way. 

The last few weeks were fabulous.   Being home with Brett was fantastic.  We are truly best friends and I know it’s probably not healthy, but if he and I were the last two people on earth, I think we could make it for an eternity and not ever kill each other.  We may occasionally feel that way, but when all is said and done – we like each other’s company. We basically pretended like we were snowed in at our house, even though there was not a snowflake to be seen.  We made and ate delicious food.  We listened to Christmas songs non-stop (Thanks B – I know this was the hardest part).  We read books, went snowshoeing, and hung out with friends.   It was an amazing way to end the year.   And so here we are, 2013. 

What we know about 2013 so far, we have definitely decided to go forward with Donor Egg IVF.  We have decided not to try another IUI cycle and incur the cost and hormonal craziness that would entail. This means that whatever child we do have, biologically, won’t be connected to me.  We made peace with this fact months ago.  At first, when we were told that using donor eggs would give us the greatest chance at having a family – it seemed unthinkable.  But as I’ve said before, given my damn medical history, I know that to continue down a path where I am determined to use my own eggs, will likely do two things: 1) waste time and 2) possibly mean more miscarriages and heartache.  Who needs that?  I’m done with that and I know all too well that time is super precious and that suffering through miscarriages is too gut wrenching to continue.  If I could be certain that a person only got pregnant if an egg was perfect and it would always result in a viable pregnancy – then we would continue to try for a while, perhaps.  But I know this isn’t the case.  Bum eggs get fertilized, they implant, they give you a positive pregnancy test and leave you feeling full of life and hope, and then they don’t always make it.  That cycle is too much to continue. In fact, now I feel more nervous that I WILL get pregnant and we will have to suffer through that cycle.  At this point, we are looking for as close to a sure thing as we can get because damn it – we want a family already! 

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about why it is that we are choosing this option, say, versus adoption.  I know many amazing families that have been created through adoption.  It finally occurred to me why I am so willing to spend the time, energy, and money on carrying this baby myself.  My body betrayed me years ago.  And ever since, I don’t think we’ve had a very good relationship.  I don’t trust this body very much and we’ve had some pretty bad times together.  I have been unable to forgive it and forget it.  My body, till now, has been a reminder of that.  At the end of the day, I want to feel like my body can do positive things, too.  It doesn’t just try to end life; it can create life, too.  I need to feel positive about my body again and what it is capable of.  I need that.  So for us, for me, carrying this baby will really mean moving on to a new chapter in life in so many ways.

2013 – the year of preparation.  We are slowly preparing for what comes next.  We have a long checklist provided by our donor egg coordinator of all we need to do.  It involves a lot of tests, physicals, appointments with counselors to discuss all the issues that may arise, mock cycles, more appointments and decisions, and gathering funds. 

We are applying for the Pay it Forward fertility grant in February.  We have also started a GoFundMe website where many of you have already contributed to our cause.  I can’t tell you how thankful we are.  For me, your generosity isn’t just about the financial piece – it sort of feels like an endorsement.  You think we’d be good parents!  So thank you, so very much.   

We are hoping that this will be our year.  

This too shall pass

I was going to take time off from writing for the break.  What was there to say, really?  Nothing is new.  We had debated going to OHSU and have an appointment scheduled for Friday for a second opinion, but we have decided to cancel. Why should we pay one more guy in a white lab coat to tell us what we likely already know from experience and have heard from another guy in a white lab coat?  We will take that money and either blow it on a nice meal or sock it away and know that we are $39,600 closer to our goal amount.  Sheesh.  I'm going to be 50 before we ever get there. 

The harsh reality of what we are up against is slowly settling in and I think that each day I try and come to terms with what will likely be a childless future for us.  We haven't thrown the towel in, yet. If we can do this, we would like to do it between late spring and the fall.  That would give us a window of opportunities if the first embryo transfer fails.  But unless we get a miracle of sorts, things are looking far from feasible - financially.    We still have a few options to explore, but refinancing the house is out.  So that leaves us with about two avenues to explore before we are done - a grant through a foundation out of North Carolina and possibly financing through a medical financing company.  We shall see. 

That is all from inside our little world.  And so you can see why I was going to take a break. 

But then there was this week. 

The outside world - truly a mess.  Last night, after reading through the names of the victims in the Sandy Hook school shooting, I thought to myself, Why would we even want to bring a little baby into this world? This is one jacked up place. 

I can't even begin to imagine the pain and grief that the community and families are going through.   It is such a large-scale loss.   A pointless loss.   I thought about all those devastated parents.  It's just so, so sad.   The news this week struck me as both a teacher and an aspiring parent. 

As a teacher, stories like this make me stop and think twice about my job.  I thought about all the drills we do and how they always seem to be such a pain in the ass and waste of time.  And then you hear about this and you think, Next time I'm going to take it seriously.  On some unconscious level, I realize that there is a part of me that must be somewhat prepared for this sort of thing.  I always leave my door locked after I open it up.  I don't want to have to go out in the hall and lock it if I do need to shut us in during an emergency.  I usually leave it open but think I will leave it shut now most of the time since I'm the first room at the top of the stairs.  

I have never felt this way after other school shootings.  That is a depressing sentence to type.  Yes, other school shootings.  But this one just strikes at such a deeper level.

Brett said to me the other day, "Why are people so messed up?"   

"People?  Men.  These are men that do this."

It is true that there was one woman in California responsible for a mass shooting, but the rest have been men.  Mostly young men.  What does that say?  We talked more about the lack of options our culture gives young men.   Young male culture is void of anything truly meaningful and anything that really prepares and creates strong, compassionate, and caring men.  We don't give our young men enough to care about, enough to feel invested in and what we do offer plays off of their physical need to exert testosterone in violent ways.   I know that it isn't as clear cut and as simple as what I've said here.  But I can't help but think that we desperately need to change the experience and caring that we give to our young men. 

In our quest to become parents, this week's news has reminded me that even once we become parents, there is no guarantee that life will go the way we expect.  I know, it seems obvious, but it is so easy to get caught in the web of our own mind.  We think, "if this, then this, and then that."  No one expects the unthinkable.  No one expects their child will turn into a soul-less killer or be killed by one.  And hopefully, our world will become a place where none of us will ever have to experience that kind of loss again.  But something must change.  

Many have put forth that one simple change is to stop remembering the names of those who have committed these horrible acts and start to remember the victims.  I am going to start there.  Emilie Parker is the young, blond 6 year old whose father was one of the first to speak out about their loss.  I am committing this young girl's name to memory.  

As desperate as our situation can feel at times, this week's shootings remind me that what Brett and I are going through is merely a passage, something that reminds us we are human and we have limits.  It is merely the stuff of life.  It is sad at times, can feel devastating and all encompassing; but, we will survive this.  We are, indeed, very fortunate that THIS is our struggle.  And it is not forever, it is simply for now.  

I'm thankful that we have friends and family who have and continue to support and love us -  who send us their love and many, many kind words; who share in our ups and downs.  We simply could not do it alone.  

Much love and happy holidays!  Our saga continues on for now.   

The 1%

Today we met with Dr. B to chat about our options.  Long story short, we basically have a 1% chance of having a baby with my eggs and Brett's swimmers.  And it felt like he was being generous with us.  In his view, the high FSH and the low AMH point to an 'insult' my ovaries endured as a result of the chemotherapy.  Add that to my age, which isn't so much a factor, but... He has seen women with the high FSH and the low AMH get pregnant and have a baby, but it is very, very rare.  And none of those women had undergone chemotherapy.   

We can try, for as many times as we want, a medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination) with injectables to induce a crazy hyper stimulation of my ovaries, a trigger shot to induce ovulation and then insemination.  The medications are apparently pretty rough on a person and the whole thing does not usually work.  (So how is this an option?) We could luck out with a good egg, but, as he said, we only have a 1% chance of success.  It's tempting.  Our insurance will cover about half of the cost of the procedure. So basically about $2,000 out-of-pocket... for a 1% chance.  

Hope.  It really gets you.  

Then, we were told about our other option.  Our greatest chance (if I want to actually conceive a carry a pregnancy), at a nearly 75-80% success rate, is to go with donor egg IVF.  And that was it.  He suggested we take the holidays off, think about what we wanted to do and then after the 1st of the year, if we wanted, move forward.  

We were then ushered to a conference room and introduced to a super friendly lady, probably my age, and given a new folder full of documents.  This time, all about donor egg IVF.  The tests we'd need, the process for choosing a donor, the timeline for synching your cycle with that of the donor, and then finally, retrieving the eggs, fertilizing them and transfer.  Any leftovers, you can freeze for later use (failed IVF, siblings) and or you can donate them.  The price tag for all this?  $35,000. 

Ugh. 

I knew that we were probably going to get this news, so in many ways, I'm not too shocked, too upset.  In a lot of ways, it feels good to know what we are dealing with and that we still have a few options left.  I haven't cried, yet.  Maybe I will still.  If I have to hear about Princess Kate and her entire pregnancy from now until she has this royal baby, that might do me in.  I think more than anything, at this point, I feel like some of the pressure is off.  If we really only focus on getting pregnant naturally, then time is of the essence, and that's a lot of pressure and stress on both Brett and I.  To be honest, it makes everything feel so utterly shitty.  Every month, every day, every cycle feels like a ticking time bomb.  To know that likely our own efforts have a slim chance of working means we can stop focusing on that so intensely.  To know that likely our own efforts have a slim chance of working also means we can take our time.  IVF with a donor egg can't happen in less than 4 months time and it can happen as far from now as we want.  We can breath a sigh of relief for that.  We have time. 

We can time it around my work calendar. We can time it around our ability to come up with the funds for this.  We can time it around Brett's school schedule.  Whatever we want.  We now have the luxury of time.  

Yes, if we go this route, I won't genetically be this baby's mother.  But biologically and in every other way, I will be.  At first, the idea of donor eggs just pissed me off.  "Oh yeah, great, some young fertile jerk's eggs - isn't she so lucky.  So many extra eggs she can donate them to sad sacks like me."  But that has passed.  I realized that for me, I truly do want the experience of carrying a baby.  I've had it twice in the last year and even though it didn't last, it was an experience that I'd like to see through.  

So we will go forward from here.  We will follow Dr. B's advice and take off the rest of the year from doing much more other than what we might try on our own.  And we will start to try and figure out how the hell we will pay for this.  We will do everything Suzie Orman would suggest you never do for something like this.  We will look into refinancing our house, borrowing from retirement, and might even start a GoFundUs website that a friend suggested.  I guess, at the end of the day, we will do whatever it takes in order to do this thing.  One way or the other, we will just have to figure it out.  

If only we were part of that other 1%, we'd be set.