Third Time is a Charm...

and miracles do happen...

I’ve been thinking for weeks about how or if I would ever get a chance to write this post.  It has seemed like such a long time coming.  As you well know, after many appointments with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, a failed IUI, coming to accept his diagnosis that we had a 1% chance of a healthy pregnancy, weeks of working with an attorney and attending a required meeting with an overpaid psychologist, deciding to move forward with donor egg IVF, we finally took ‘custody’ of our baker’s dozen of frozen donor eggs in late April with plans to thaw and fertilize in late May and transfer in late June.  But apparently, the universe had other plans for us. 

As I type this, we are about 13 weeks along with our very own little miracle baby.  The frozen eggs remain on ice.  Without planning and without thinking it was possible, our last cycle before beginning the process of donor eggs, we managed to get pregnant ourselves.  

I don't know how it happened (well, I mean, technically I know how it happened but...).  I had started training for the Rock 'n Roll half marathon - maybe that got more blood flowing.  I did continue to see my amazing acupuncturist and chinese medicine doctor (I am not her first success story - she might be the miracle in all this).  After receiving the eggs, maybe it was just knowing that it was going to happen one way or another.  It was just a matter of time.  But really, we'll never know.  

And although we are beyond excited, I have spent the last few weeks also worrying and waiting for the other shoe to drop as it has twice before.  Luckily, nothing has gone the way it did before.  And all the hurdles we never passed before, we are.  I’ve had nausea and a bad case of evening sickness.  I have been exhausted.  And let’s not forget the complete irritability – Brett’s favorite! And best of all, we have heard the heartbeat and seen our little soul a number of times, today being the most recent.  And I have to say, HE is already amazing.  He is a serious wiggler.  Johnson, my OB, continues to say he looks good and things look great.  

Yes, we know it is a he already.  A little over a week ago, we opted for a new blood test given to pregnant women over 35 that will (with 98% accuracy) detect Downs Syndrome and a number of Trisomy defects.  It will also detect gender.  We were thrilled to learn that he is healthy and growing and our test results all confirm this.  We also learned that little soul is growing into a baby boy.  Pretty cool.

So now we just keep moving along.  I am still terrified and nervous.  But each day that passes, I feel more reassured and optimistic that this little guy will be with us before the New Year - New Year’s Eve to be exact.  But lucky for us, he is measuring big and it is likely that our due date will be well before the clock strikes midnight.  Either way – we are looking forward to ringing in the New Year with this new addition to our family.

And now that we have finally passed this 1^st trimester hurdle, we finally feel like celebrating.  We also will hope and pray that things continue to go well - please do the same.  Thank you to everyone for your support and your love through this journey with us.  We feel so fortunate right now in so many ways.  This little guy is truly a miracle.  

A Baker's Dozen

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

It’s been a while and when people ask, “How are you?” It’s hard to put into words, except I keep recalling the theme song to The Facts of Life. We have been relentlessly pursuing fertility grants.  And although it certainly doesn’t compare to many education grants I’ve helped with, it takes a lot of wherewithal.  Lots of financial information and gathering and then there is the telling your story.  It seems so weird to have to 1) convince people of why you want a child, 2) explain that you can afford to have a child, and 3) explain why they should help you finance that endeavor.  I mean, most parents don’t ever have to be held accountable in those ways before having a baby.  Sheesh!  Add to that, for a few of the grants, we also had to have letters of recommendation from two friends (thank you so, so much by the way). 

The first grant we applied for, Pay it Forward, unfortunately announced their recipients this week – and we were not on the list.  Granted, they had 82 couples apply and only awarded to two.  I was bummed and yes, it would have been financially nice, but also because it was just a reminder of the process we are going through.   And it’s starting to feel long.  This summer will mark the 2-year mark and we aren’t getting any younger.  In fact, in just a few weeks I’ll be 38.  Yikes.  Bittersweet.  Each birthday, I am so relieved, so grateful to be here and yet, in the face of infertility, reminded of the impact of age on all of this. 

We also just applied to two other grants; one has a rolling submission and twice a year award (which they don’t publish the date?) and another is due April 30 with a July award.  The first is through an organization called Fertile Action, started by a breast cancer survivor and specifically for cancer survivors.  The second, Baby Quest, is for regular ol’ folks.  I feel like these ‘regular ol’ fertility foundations’ probably think that there are a lot of resources for cancer survivors in regards to fertility and in reality, given the high number of young cancer survivors – there are very few.  Only one.   Yes, there are resources for folks prior to cancer treatment to help preserve your fertility, but none after the fact.  So, we find ourselves lumped with everyone experiencing infertility and I just feel like we are yelling, ‘But hey – we’re different! No one is there to help us’ to an empty room.

Bittersweet.  That word has been coming to mind lately as we struggle, move forward, struggle, move forward.  It seems that when we reach a dark moment, something reminds us to keep plugging away – and that has happened quite a bit lately.  People have stepped up in amazing ways – emotionally giving us support and even financially.  You all are amazing!

The day we found out we didn’t get the grant, we got word that some plans that had been in the works were finally finalized.  A very special couple has chosen to donate the remaining eggs they had from a previous donor cycle.  Don’t ask me details, because we aren’t divulging any information about who – just know that we (and probably you, too now) think this is an amazing act of generosity.  Gratitude seems like a gross understatement.  The day we didn’t get the grant, we found out that all the legal documents were signed and cleared and that Brett and I were now the proud custodians of a baker’s dozen of frozen eggs that will hopefully one day become our little babe.  Pretty amazing.  It seems now, even without getting the grant, we are closer towards bring this baby into our life.

So now what?  Well, we begin the process of thawing the eggs, fertilizing them, and hoping that all goes well in that process and the eggs result in healthy growing embryos.  Well, not us personally, but trained professionals.  We will then refreeze those and wait for the best time to transfer them, keep our fingers crossed, and hope that all goes smoothly from there.  Bittersweet.  The optimist in me believes that all will work out. The eggs will thaw perfectly, fertilization will happen and we will have many embryos to work with after all is said and done.   If all of that works out perfectly, the statistics give us a 71% chance that we will get pregnant and have a baby.  The pessimist in me is worried that we will go through all of this and that fate will be cruel and we will find ourselves back at square one, empty handed and trying to figure out how to begin again.  It’s hard to balance protecting yourself from being too excited and being realistic.  We have a phone appointment early this next week to figure out the schedule, the cost, and the plan with Bankowski. 

And even though I am tremendously excited and feel like we just might pull this crazy thing off, it also reminds me that it is looking more and more likely – well, let’s be honest, pretty definitely, that Brett and I won’t be having our own baby: me and him.  I thought I had really come to terms with this when we found out and to be fair, 99% of the time I am.  But I think there was a tiny, tiny part of me that had hoped we would get a true miracle in that department.  And as we move closer to realizing this other amazing miracle, it’s likely I really will have to let that dream go.  I know it will be okay, better than okay when the time comes and that I will not even realize or care that this baby isn’t ‘technically’ a part of me once it’s here.  But it’s been a tiny struggle as of late.  What did I say…bittersweet.

So wish us the greatest of luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move into this next phase.  We likely will not disclose timing on the transfer and all of that.  I say this now, but who knows.  I may feel like I need all the support I can get when the time comes.  

The Waiting Game

Well, it’s beginning to feel like spring, especially this weekend.  The sun is out, the temperatures are rising and all over our backyard the daffodils and tulips are starting to bloom.  The Pacific Northwest can be truly amazing in the spring.  Last year at this time, it seemed like we were hopeful that our miscarriage might have been a fluke.  We were trying on our own and it felt like things were getting back to normal.  Little did we know that last year at this time was really just the beginning, again.

We have become experts at waiting. We have submitted our grant application to the Pay it Forward Fertility Foundation.  We will find out in mid- April whether we will be the lucky recipients of a partial or full grant amount.  We are hopeful.  The organization is one of two that we have found after exhaustive searches that attempt to help couples pay for the outrageously expensive cost of infertility treatments.  They are based out of North Carolina and have only this grant cycle opened up their grant to residents of other states.  We are keeping our fingers crossed.  If we don't hear positive news by mid-April, we will apply to the other grant due at the end of April.  And then, if neither of those pan out, we aren't sure what we will do next.  We have made some progress - much thanks to those of you who have helped our cause.

I had hoped that there would be more grants out there or organizations who specifically work with cancer survivors.  Having been a cancer survivor and seeing as how Dr. B thinks that perhaps cancer treatment is partially to blame for our situation, I contacted the Komen Foundation to find out if they had any programs or knew of any.  Unfortunately, they didn’t.  Their stance, at this point, is trying to advocate with doctors about informing their patients about the risks to their fertility when they undergo treatment.  And, to the credit of the cancer community, there are many programs that help women finance egg retrieval and freezing before they begin treatment.  And, as I think I’ve mentioned before, when I underwent treatment, freezing eggs wasn’t even an option.  It is pretty cool to think that in the last 10 years, such major shifts and changes have occurred.  Science can move so quickly sometimes. 

Lady Business Alert!  In other annoying news, my own cycles have stopped, again.  I think there was a part of me that was holding out hope that perhaps we would still be able to find that one in a million egg that was not damaged by chemotherapy and be able to have our own baby.  Then, this month, the reality hit.  My period didn’t come and I’m not pregnant.  Which means we are back where we were post-miscarriage.  It is possible that it is due to cervical stenosis – which basically means the cervical opening is too narrow for anything to get in or to get out.  So, even if we did want to give it our best shot we would have little success.  Back I go on Monday to have my cervix dilated.  Hopefully, at the very least, I will return to having a period next month.  And really, at this point, that pretty much would be success at this point.  So frustrating and so annoying.  It’s sad that I long for the days when I would have horrible cramps and periods.  Oh, how things have changed.

And, if all of that doesn’t work, then it is possible that I didn’t ovulate – which would be strange given I’m a pseudo-scientist tracking everything about my cycles.  But, I guess anything is possible – that’s one thing I’ve certainly learned.  And if that is the case, well, that's not good either.  Insert big sigh here. 

So, onwards we go.  Keep your fingers crossed for the grant.  We need all the help we can get.  Here is the link to our fundraising site if you can't figure out what to do with that tax refund you might be getting! 

http://www.gofundme.com/1kxols

Happy New Year!

Ah…a new year.  It’s funny what we start a new year thinking and what we realize when we look back.  When 2012 started, we were in a pretty dark place.  Our 1^st miscarriage was only 2 months back, my cycles still had not resumed, and the optimistic part of myself hoped and believed that I would get pregnant fairly quickly and by the next Christmas we would likely be celebrating ‘Baby’s 1^st Christmas.’ 

Well, as you know, that didn’t happen.  But this winter, things definitely weren’t as dark.  Not even close.  You’d think that the longer your battle with infertility goes, the deeper you get in the mire, and find it hard to feel light about life.  But that hasn’t been the case for us, thankfully.  I think for me, oddly, the longer this goes the easier it becomes.  I now know on a monthly basis that 1) either my period will show up or not or 2) if it doesn’t, that most likely does not mean I’m pregnant.  After finding out we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, I really did feel free.  And I continue to feel that way. 

The last few weeks were fabulous.   Being home with Brett was fantastic.  We are truly best friends and I know it’s probably not healthy, but if he and I were the last two people on earth, I think we could make it for an eternity and not ever kill each other.  We may occasionally feel that way, but when all is said and done – we like each other’s company. We basically pretended like we were snowed in at our house, even though there was not a snowflake to be seen.  We made and ate delicious food.  We listened to Christmas songs non-stop (Thanks B – I know this was the hardest part).  We read books, went snowshoeing, and hung out with friends.   It was an amazing way to end the year.   And so here we are, 2013. 

What we know about 2013 so far, we have definitely decided to go forward with Donor Egg IVF.  We have decided not to try another IUI cycle and incur the cost and hormonal craziness that would entail. This means that whatever child we do have, biologically, won’t be connected to me.  We made peace with this fact months ago.  At first, when we were told that using donor eggs would give us the greatest chance at having a family – it seemed unthinkable.  But as I’ve said before, given my damn medical history, I know that to continue down a path where I am determined to use my own eggs, will likely do two things: 1) waste time and 2) possibly mean more miscarriages and heartache.  Who needs that?  I’m done with that and I know all too well that time is super precious and that suffering through miscarriages is too gut wrenching to continue.  If I could be certain that a person only got pregnant if an egg was perfect and it would always result in a viable pregnancy – then we would continue to try for a while, perhaps.  But I know this isn’t the case.  Bum eggs get fertilized, they implant, they give you a positive pregnancy test and leave you feeling full of life and hope, and then they don’t always make it.  That cycle is too much to continue. In fact, now I feel more nervous that I WILL get pregnant and we will have to suffer through that cycle.  At this point, we are looking for as close to a sure thing as we can get because damn it – we want a family already! 

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about why it is that we are choosing this option, say, versus adoption.  I know many amazing families that have been created through adoption.  It finally occurred to me why I am so willing to spend the time, energy, and money on carrying this baby myself.  My body betrayed me years ago.  And ever since, I don’t think we’ve had a very good relationship.  I don’t trust this body very much and we’ve had some pretty bad times together.  I have been unable to forgive it and forget it.  My body, till now, has been a reminder of that.  At the end of the day, I want to feel like my body can do positive things, too.  It doesn’t just try to end life; it can create life, too.  I need to feel positive about my body again and what it is capable of.  I need that.  So for us, for me, carrying this baby will really mean moving on to a new chapter in life in so many ways.

2013 – the year of preparation.  We are slowly preparing for what comes next.  We have a long checklist provided by our donor egg coordinator of all we need to do.  It involves a lot of tests, physicals, appointments with counselors to discuss all the issues that may arise, mock cycles, more appointments and decisions, and gathering funds. 

We are applying for the Pay it Forward fertility grant in February.  We have also started a GoFundMe website where many of you have already contributed to our cause.  I can’t tell you how thankful we are.  For me, your generosity isn’t just about the financial piece – it sort of feels like an endorsement.  You think we’d be good parents!  So thank you, so very much.   

We are hoping that this will be our year.