Back To Our Real Life

It’s been months since I posted and I was almost tempted to just recopy previous posts and repost those.  Seems we are stuck in our own twisted version of ‘Groundhog’s Day.’   I had been charting my temperatures ever since the miscarriage and D&C in July.   I could clearly see a cycle there and like before, every time I should have had a period – it never came.   It still hasn’t.

In late September, I called Johnson to see what her next step was.  Back on birth control in the hopes that it would regulate my cycle and cause a period.  I know – I’m not a medical professional, but it would seem that if there is evidence that a cycle is happening, that it doesn’t need to be ‘regulated.’  In my opinion, and I’m sure doctor’s love it when you tell them your own diagnosis and treatment, I have low estrogen and taking estrogen during the first half of my cycle would be enough to build up the lining and allow me to have a period.  But no, birth control pills were her solution, so we started them.

Let’s just say, Brett, our neighbors, my students, even I am lucky to still be around to type this post.  As my acupuncturist so aptly described, within the first 7 days of the pills I was either homicidal or suicidal and it changed every minute.  I was a mess!  Poor Brett.  After a week of torture, I stopped taking them and let Johnson know – yeah, these are a no-go.  Thanks.  I love that the response is, “Well, just give it a month and the side effects should settle down.”  I’m not sure what part she’s missing, but I don’t intend to take birth control pills for more than a month.  I’m looking for birth uncontrolled.  So, seeing that I was still showing signs of being homicidal, she said she would switch to a different pill and that I should immediately call her if there were any problems.

When I got to the pharmacy, the pharmacist handed me 3 months worth of pills.  I looked at her as if she had gone bat-shit crazy. 

“Uh, I don’t know what all those are for,” I said in my newly acquired homicidal tone.

“Well, uh, looks like your doctor called in 3 months worth?” Each word came out slower than the previous word, as I’m sure she could see the rage brewing.

“Yeah, I’m not taking those for 3 months, thanks,” getting even more indignant and snarky.

“Okay, well, let me just go repackage all of these.”

“Uh, yeah, I think so.”

I’m a total jack-ass.  I left with my month of pills and have been downing one daily for the last 3 weeks. We are now one pill away from being done with the pills and I’m happy to say that Brett, our neighbors, my students and I are all still alive.  It’s strange to think how one brand can be so drastically different from another.   After tomorrow, we wait to see what happens. 

It has been slightly more than 3 months since the D&C.  It took nearly 4 months the time before that before I actually started to have a regular cycle.  I think what is most frustrating now is thinking about how long this whole process of getting pregnant, losing it and waiting till we can try again takes.   Just one of those events takes nearly the time of carrying a baby to term – 9 months.  At this rate, we have one shot per year and we have maybe 5 years.  I know I’ve worked that math out before in a previous post, but it is that thought that terrifies me the most.   I’m hopeful that Johnson’s BCP plan will work and that things will get back on track here.  I worry that perhaps we’ll need to do another procedure in order to make sure my cervix is open and ready for business.  And I’m optimistic that with all the alternative treatment, supplements and herbs I’ve been taking, we’ve got some good eggs waiting.   We will give it till the end of the year and then, if we still continue to be unsuccessful on our own, we both feel we have no choice but to go back to Oregon Reproductive and start the route of IVF (in vitro fertilization).  We have no idea how we will pay for it or how we will make it work, but if all else fails, it is the only timely option we have left.  (If anyone can get Brett a job at Weiden and Kennedy or Nike – that would be awesome. Both of those employers have health insurance plans that pay for fertility treatment.)

With our timeline now set out in front of us, we definitely spend less of our daily lives worrying and talking about all of this. Being back in the classroom has helped with that, too.  I just don’t have the time to spend thinking about not being pregnant, losing pregnancies, or what I should be doing to have a healthy pregnancy.  There is a part of me that thinks this is both a positive and a negative.  It is good that life does not feel on hold, like we are in some form of purgatory.  I’m reminded of a Colin Hay song, “Waiting for my real life to begin.”  I was tired of feeling like that.  But, I also don’t want the universe to think we have forgotten or worse - that I’ve moved on.  We haven’t, but we just needed to feel we had a life again.  A life that was worthy of a having a tiny little newborn become a part of.  We are keeping our fingers-crossed.