A Toss of the Coin

It was in early July, after having returned from two years living in Shenzhen, China, that the conversation about having kids began.  I am 36 years old and my husband, Brett, is 39.  It hadn't been a conversation in our house before, but then again, we have only been married a few years and the bulk of that time had been overseas. 

It started with the interviews or intelligence collection.  Perhaps it was easier to have the conversation when it was somewhat mediated between a third-party.  At parties, a wedding, a bbq, happy hour - the questions would begin.  For our friends without kids, "Why have you decided not to have kids?" and for those that did, "What's it like, seriously? What's so great?" 

Once we talked to folks, it became easier to understand what motivates people to have kids - a biological urge, a need to be a mom or a dad, a desire to have a family - it's seemingly so personal, yet so universal and in many ways, so instinctual.  And everyone who does seems to want you to share in the experience.  When you have that inkling of doubt, you have to suspend your disbelief and accept that there must be something quite satisfying and rewarding - all our parents did it and look at us!

It was also easy to understand why those of our friends who didn't have kids, made their decisions, too.  They truly enjoyed one another - which is not to say that the couples who had kids didn't enjoy one another - it's just that they really didn't see the need to add anything to their mix.  And I get that.  I love my husband, but even getting a dog has thrown him slightly into 2nd place around here.


So we asked and we listened.  We observed and we noted.  Sometimes, after many cocktails, we even recorded folks on my iPhone.  And most importantly, we looked to see if both parties agreed on the answers to those questions because that's where we were.  For us, we were both on the fence about children.  When talking to friends and family, I guess in many ways, we were looking to be sold on the idea.  Come on, sell it to us!  But by late July, we were still ambivalent.  That didn't stop us, however, from having my IUD removed.  Our plan, since we couldn't decide, was to let the universe decide for us...