Almost there...

Well, it’s been one eventful week.  Despite my better judgment, I made THE spiciest Chili on Tuesday night.  I mention this because I think it was the source of the contractions that started soon after, followed by perhaps a bit of the – TMI ALERT – mucus plug.  So I immediately called my OBs office and by 10 p.m. we were in Labor and Delivery.   Mind you – we were not even ready yet.  We had a stack of Christmas cards to be signed and mailed on the table, housecleaners coming but still 3 days away, no bag packed, no car seat in the car yet.  And most importantly, I needed a haircut.  

As a nurse escorted us from the Emergency Room to L&D, he noted, “You sure seem pretty calm.”  I told him it was because I had no idea what was going on really and no idea what to expect.  Being clueless really helps in moments like these.

We arrived through the double doors and it was oddly quiet.  Brett and I laughed later because I think we both expected it to be utter chaos.  Imagine…as we walk in, we announce we are having contractions and some disheveled nurse throws her papers and files in the air “A baby is coming, a baby is coming – what to do, what to do??” But no, they just took us to a very nice, large birthing room.  Immediately Brett asks, “Is ALL this necessary, I mean, we are just here to have her checked out?”  First sign of nervous jitters that I have seen out of him.  The nurse explained that they had no triage rooms and not to worry, this room would be fine.  Not a big deal. 

So we got comfortable, they put monitors on me and my large belly and we waited.  Yep, contractions were happening.  Luckily, one of the other OBs from my OBs practice was on call and he came to check on us.  Well, my cervix to be more precise.  Yep, 70% effaced and something about a fingertip.  I have no idea.  And, nothing was presenting – I think that means there was nothing trying to escape my womb.  This was good news.   “It appears your body is getting ready for labor, although you aren’t exactly in labor,” he said.  “But, I would like to keep you overnight and make sure that you don’t progress given that he is transverse and with the cord and placenta lying low.  If you do, we might be looking at a c-section tomorrow – so no food, only water.”

WHAAATTT????!!?!?!  And again, the list of all that I had to do ran through my brain.  Okay, okay, so yeah, we might have a baby tomorrow – good God! What??!?!  And then I let it go. 

By now, it was midnight, the roads were supposed to be getting icy and I was fine to crash there.  But given that we brought nothing with us, dutiful husband went all the way back across town to get a few things so we could at least feel halfway human in the morning.

Brett was back by 1 am.  Made his comfy bed on the couch in the room and we both tried to get some sleep.  At least twice I heard the festive cries of newborn babies – it was a pretty sweet sound. I imagined how relieved and ecstatic those families must have been and for a moment, I think I was ready if they had come in and said we would need to do the C-Section right then.

However, that was not the plan for this little guy.  I, of course, was up early – only 4 hours of sleep for this girl! And waited until 7 am when the nurse and doctor came back in to check.  Things had stayed relatively the same, including the fact that I was still having contractions, but luckily they weren’t causing the cervix to change.  We could go home and wait to hear from my OB, who might want to push things up if she is concerned. 

So we packed up.  Added bonus – a ‘snow day’ was called at school so no work for me!  Can you guess what I did?  I got those Christmas cards signed and mailed.    And then I took it easy.  I reminded this little guy that he did not need to worry about coming out to meet us, that we would come and get him in a week.  So sit tight.  We would be there – no doubt. 

And so we wait.  Our C-Section is scheduled for 7:30 am on Wednesday, Dec. 18th.  This is my last day of work, well partial day of work and then I will hopefully have a few days to get all those last minute things done and taken care of.  Don’t worry, the haircut happened – for Brett, too.  So at the very least, we now look quite photogenic.  My bag is packed.  The cleaners come today and aside from Brett’s stocking, I am both ready for this baby and for Christmas.   Brett is sad to see this belly go, who knew?  But I am going to relish being able to touch my toes and pick things up off the floor.  

It is hard to believe that these 9 months are coming to a close.  I can remember those days when I felt the pain of thinking we would never have a baby or start a family.  In fact, there are still blogs I read from other women, still struggling with infertility and I can feel and hear that pain they have - it's still so familiar.  I hope that their struggles will pass.  I can't imagine a worse place to be.  I, we, feel such gratitude that this little guy is coming to us.  What a blessing he is to us, already.  

We will keep you posted.  Pretty exciting times. 

Less than 6 weeks to go

It's hard to believe that way back in the spring we found out that after 2 years we were finally successful in our attempts to have a viable pregnancy.  And now, with just 6 weeks to go, the anticipation is really getting to me.  I can't wait to meet, see and hold this little guy.  It seemed like so much of the focus was just on making it happen that you can often lose sight of what 'making it happen' results in!  

And things are moving along.  My dearest and oldest friends in Portland - Pearl and Erica - planned an organized a shower for us.  It was perfect.  There were the friends and 'aunties' from Portland and then the friends and family who travelled hours to be here.  It was truly a great party.  This baby is certainly loved and has such a community of wonderful folk surrounding him.  What a lucky guy!

We are still organizing and nesting.  I can feel a big cleaning nesting session coming up. Maybe during Thanksgiving weekend.  Brett is currently adding final painting touches to the nursery and we are trying to figure out how to be uber organized - that, I believe, is the secret to not feeling entirely overwhelmed and feeling prepared.  We'll see if that works.  

The one wrench in our plan has been around the type of birth we will have.  Way back in June I mentioned about the spotting issues and the result was the placenta being too close to the cervix, essentially this little guy's exit route.  We have had a number of follow up x-rays to see how things have progressed.  Luckily the placenta has moved about 4 cm away from the opening- which, according to my OB is great.  Hopefully you sense the big "but" that is approaching...BUT, he remains breach at 33 weeks, which could change - again, do you sense the big "but" coming - BUT, the umbilical cord connects with the placenta at the bottom, not in the center as is usually the case.  So now, the cord is blocking the cervix.  In essence, my OB feels like he is basically sitting on the placenta like a cushion and that is making it 1) difficult for him to turn and 2) will make it nearly impossible for him to get through the cervical opening with the cord where it is.  It just wouldn't be safe to attempt it unless things change drastically.  So...we have another ultrasound during the week of Thanksgiving and we will find out what the plan is.  

She asked me, as she was drawing me a great picture of the placenta and cord placement, about my birth plan, 'So, what's your birth plan? 'Cause my birth plan for you is to place a healthy baby in your arms.  That's pretty much it.  Whatever that means we have to do.'

'That's pretty much my birth plan,' I told her. 

'Having a C-section doesn't make you any less of a mother,' she assured me.  And I know she's right. 

We have watched documentary and films about natural birth, read about it and yes, ideally, I would like to have that experience for this baby and I.  However, after all that we've been through - having him here and healthy is priority #1.  As Brett characterized it, we are about the product and less about the process at this point in our baby-making careers.  

So I imagine that during our next ultrasound, at 36 weeks, we will see where everything is in there and we will make the call about the c-section.  There are of course pros to this route, including just knowing when he will be here and being sure we are prepared.  The cons are of course missing out on the experience and just the 'fatefulness' of his arrival.  I hope we can at least pick the day out of a hat so that there is some 'fate' involved.  

I'm not exactly sure how soon after 36 weeks the delivery would be scheduled, but I know that she does not want me to go into labor on my own if the cord/placenta continue to be where they are.  So this baby could be home and snug before Christmas for sure.  Baby's 1st Christmas.  Crazy to think and type. 

Today, Brett and I are headed to the coast for the night.  Likely our last trip out of town as a couple, but looking forward to many trips as a family in the future. 

Pregnancy Brain...

This morning, I realized that it had been a while since I had posted in this blog.  Since June to be exact. It's crazy to think that so much time has passed.  June seems like forever ago.  And then, I found this blog post I had written in September, but never posted.  Pregnancy brain.  I decided to go ahead and post it because hey! I wrote it, why let it go to waste.  But a more recent post is definitely in the works.

From September 2013: 

School is about to get underway and I’m heading into my 24^th week or so.  Time seems to be flying and there is a part of me that wants to hold on to each moment – who knows if we will have more babies.  And part of me can’t wait for December and the joy of meeting this little guy.  And let’s be honest, I think I am about to enter the ‘uncomfortable’ stage and have seen little bits here and there the last week. 

 As most of you mommies already know – sleep is a thing I long for.  In fact, the other day I caught myself thinking.  One thing I’ll really look forward to once this baby boy arrives is sleep.  And then I had to laugh, as you are all probably doing right now.  Sleep?  Wait another 18 years or so…A girl can dream right?

Up to this point, things have gone pretty smoothly.  I did have a few weeks where I was spotting and of course, was on the phone with my doctor every week.  Turns out it was just the placenta very close to the cervix and, as my doctor predicted, the baby would grow and the placenta would move away from the cervix and the spotting would stop.  And that’s exactly what happened.  But she is gracious and kind and any panic I had she saw me immediately, checked the heartbeat and did an ultrasound for us.  She is really the best. 

We have already started to get all crazy nesty around here.  Even Brett.  Or I should say, really, it’s Brett.  As I type, he’s outside, sweeping, cleaning, organizing the garage, fixing things.  I tease him that he’ll be glad when I go back to work so he can just relax, but I think it might continue.  He’s been amazing.  He is so wonderfully helpful and he absolutely loves this belly.  I had no idea I would love that belly so much.  Is a common phrase he says nowadays.  And it is finally getting to be a belly.  For a while, it really just looked like I had spent the summer gorging on beer and carbs.  I wish! 

Other than growing this life, honestly, not much has happened this summer.  Oddly, we finally heard back from one of the last organizations we applied to for a grant and were awarded it!  We had completely forgotten about it and it had not ‘final’ due date, so you just submit everything and wait.  Even though we don’t need it, it was comforting to know that if things had not turned out as miraculously as they have, we would have had some additional help and support coming our way.  And plus – we won a grant!!  But the good news is that someone else will get to use that and hopefully, it will make their dreams come true.  That’s nice to know. 

So school starts and I’m hoping this little guy hangs in there until school gets out on December 20^th.  And then, we will just wait for his arrival.  

Third Time is a Charm...

and miracles do happen...

I’ve been thinking for weeks about how or if I would ever get a chance to write this post.  It has seemed like such a long time coming.  As you well know, after many appointments with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, a failed IUI, coming to accept his diagnosis that we had a 1% chance of a healthy pregnancy, weeks of working with an attorney and attending a required meeting with an overpaid psychologist, deciding to move forward with donor egg IVF, we finally took ‘custody’ of our baker’s dozen of frozen donor eggs in late April with plans to thaw and fertilize in late May and transfer in late June.  But apparently, the universe had other plans for us. 

As I type this, we are about 13 weeks along with our very own little miracle baby.  The frozen eggs remain on ice.  Without planning and without thinking it was possible, our last cycle before beginning the process of donor eggs, we managed to get pregnant ourselves.  

I don't know how it happened (well, I mean, technically I know how it happened but...).  I had started training for the Rock 'n Roll half marathon - maybe that got more blood flowing.  I did continue to see my amazing acupuncturist and chinese medicine doctor (I am not her first success story - she might be the miracle in all this).  After receiving the eggs, maybe it was just knowing that it was going to happen one way or another.  It was just a matter of time.  But really, we'll never know.  

And although we are beyond excited, I have spent the last few weeks also worrying and waiting for the other shoe to drop as it has twice before.  Luckily, nothing has gone the way it did before.  And all the hurdles we never passed before, we are.  I’ve had nausea and a bad case of evening sickness.  I have been exhausted.  And let’s not forget the complete irritability – Brett’s favorite! And best of all, we have heard the heartbeat and seen our little soul a number of times, today being the most recent.  And I have to say, HE is already amazing.  He is a serious wiggler.  Johnson, my OB, continues to say he looks good and things look great.  

Yes, we know it is a he already.  A little over a week ago, we opted for a new blood test given to pregnant women over 35 that will (with 98% accuracy) detect Downs Syndrome and a number of Trisomy defects.  It will also detect gender.  We were thrilled to learn that he is healthy and growing and our test results all confirm this.  We also learned that little soul is growing into a baby boy.  Pretty cool.

So now we just keep moving along.  I am still terrified and nervous.  But each day that passes, I feel more reassured and optimistic that this little guy will be with us before the New Year - New Year’s Eve to be exact.  But lucky for us, he is measuring big and it is likely that our due date will be well before the clock strikes midnight.  Either way – we are looking forward to ringing in the New Year with this new addition to our family.

And now that we have finally passed this 1^st trimester hurdle, we finally feel like celebrating.  We also will hope and pray that things continue to go well - please do the same.  Thank you to everyone for your support and your love through this journey with us.  We feel so fortunate right now in so many ways.  This little guy is truly a miracle.  

A Baker's Dozen

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

It’s been a while and when people ask, “How are you?” It’s hard to put into words, except I keep recalling the theme song to The Facts of Life. We have been relentlessly pursuing fertility grants.  And although it certainly doesn’t compare to many education grants I’ve helped with, it takes a lot of wherewithal.  Lots of financial information and gathering and then there is the telling your story.  It seems so weird to have to 1) convince people of why you want a child, 2) explain that you can afford to have a child, and 3) explain why they should help you finance that endeavor.  I mean, most parents don’t ever have to be held accountable in those ways before having a baby.  Sheesh!  Add to that, for a few of the grants, we also had to have letters of recommendation from two friends (thank you so, so much by the way). 

The first grant we applied for, Pay it Forward, unfortunately announced their recipients this week – and we were not on the list.  Granted, they had 82 couples apply and only awarded to two.  I was bummed and yes, it would have been financially nice, but also because it was just a reminder of the process we are going through.   And it’s starting to feel long.  This summer will mark the 2-year mark and we aren’t getting any younger.  In fact, in just a few weeks I’ll be 38.  Yikes.  Bittersweet.  Each birthday, I am so relieved, so grateful to be here and yet, in the face of infertility, reminded of the impact of age on all of this. 

We also just applied to two other grants; one has a rolling submission and twice a year award (which they don’t publish the date?) and another is due April 30 with a July award.  The first is through an organization called Fertile Action, started by a breast cancer survivor and specifically for cancer survivors.  The second, Baby Quest, is for regular ol’ folks.  I feel like these ‘regular ol’ fertility foundations’ probably think that there are a lot of resources for cancer survivors in regards to fertility and in reality, given the high number of young cancer survivors – there are very few.  Only one.   Yes, there are resources for folks prior to cancer treatment to help preserve your fertility, but none after the fact.  So, we find ourselves lumped with everyone experiencing infertility and I just feel like we are yelling, ‘But hey – we’re different! No one is there to help us’ to an empty room.

Bittersweet.  That word has been coming to mind lately as we struggle, move forward, struggle, move forward.  It seems that when we reach a dark moment, something reminds us to keep plugging away – and that has happened quite a bit lately.  People have stepped up in amazing ways – emotionally giving us support and even financially.  You all are amazing!

The day we found out we didn’t get the grant, we got word that some plans that had been in the works were finally finalized.  A very special couple has chosen to donate the remaining eggs they had from a previous donor cycle.  Don’t ask me details, because we aren’t divulging any information about who – just know that we (and probably you, too now) think this is an amazing act of generosity.  Gratitude seems like a gross understatement.  The day we didn’t get the grant, we found out that all the legal documents were signed and cleared and that Brett and I were now the proud custodians of a baker’s dozen of frozen eggs that will hopefully one day become our little babe.  Pretty amazing.  It seems now, even without getting the grant, we are closer towards bring this baby into our life.

So now what?  Well, we begin the process of thawing the eggs, fertilizing them, and hoping that all goes well in that process and the eggs result in healthy growing embryos.  Well, not us personally, but trained professionals.  We will then refreeze those and wait for the best time to transfer them, keep our fingers crossed, and hope that all goes smoothly from there.  Bittersweet.  The optimist in me believes that all will work out. The eggs will thaw perfectly, fertilization will happen and we will have many embryos to work with after all is said and done.   If all of that works out perfectly, the statistics give us a 71% chance that we will get pregnant and have a baby.  The pessimist in me is worried that we will go through all of this and that fate will be cruel and we will find ourselves back at square one, empty handed and trying to figure out how to begin again.  It’s hard to balance protecting yourself from being too excited and being realistic.  We have a phone appointment early this next week to figure out the schedule, the cost, and the plan with Bankowski. 

And even though I am tremendously excited and feel like we just might pull this crazy thing off, it also reminds me that it is looking more and more likely – well, let’s be honest, pretty definitely, that Brett and I won’t be having our own baby: me and him.  I thought I had really come to terms with this when we found out and to be fair, 99% of the time I am.  But I think there was a tiny, tiny part of me that had hoped we would get a true miracle in that department.  And as we move closer to realizing this other amazing miracle, it’s likely I really will have to let that dream go.  I know it will be okay, better than okay when the time comes and that I will not even realize or care that this baby isn’t ‘technically’ a part of me once it’s here.  But it’s been a tiny struggle as of late.  What did I say…bittersweet.

So wish us the greatest of luck and keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move into this next phase.  We likely will not disclose timing on the transfer and all of that.  I say this now, but who knows.  I may feel like I need all the support I can get when the time comes.