My Body is a Time Bomb

Yep, my body is a ticking time bomb right now.  At least it feels that way.  It’s strange to be walking around day-to-day and know that you are technically pregnant but that all of that could change any moment.  It’s hard to believe that it will, but yet, my mind is becoming more resigned to the fact that this pregnancy is not going to work out. 

My acupuncturist says that it is a testament to all the herbs and acupuncture that my body is continuing to hold on this long, “Your body really wants to be pregnant.” Tell me something I don’t know.  But I guess she is right, perhaps when we finally get it right, it will be a good thing that my body is able to hold on so long. 

When we first found out this second time, I wrote a blog entry that I was going to post once we made it past the 1^st trimester.  I read it again today.  We were so excited.  But in hindsight, there were two parts that caught my attention.  I mentioned that this pregnancy didn’t feel as ‘electric’ as the previous.  At the time, I thought it was due to my own mellow state of mind, but perhaps it was more about the fact that it was missing something – that little spark of life.  I think I thought it was good because it was different from before, but I didn’t realize it would be different in a bad way.

I also mentioned a dream I had a few days before we found out.  I’m not totally spiritual woo-woo, but I think that there is something to our subconscious.  In my dream I was holding two babies.  They asked me if I liked being a mommy.  I told them that I loved being a mommy.  I think I thought that maybe I would be having twins.  It was so strange. I wonder now if it isn’t these two pregnancies instead. Part of me hopes it is, this would make two and hopefully, with the next, we will have a happy, healthy baby.  Third times a charm, right? 

I also had two dreams where I was actually having miscarriages before we found out that this pregnancy wasn’t going to stick.  They weren’t as traumatic as you’d think and in some ways, I think they have mentally prepared me for what it might be like here in the next week or so.

My acupuncturist gave me some herbs to take that will help speed things up, my OB gave me pills – but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.  I have made one last appointment for an ultrasound on Friday to confirm what we pretty much already know.  I just need to see one last time that there is nothing there and then I think I will be ready to let this go.  So…I plan on spending this weekend high on Percoset and helping my body do what it doesn't seem to want to do on its own.  It doesn’t sound fun, but like before, it will likely be a relief to move on. 

We talked about what is next - adoption, fertility treatment, kidnapping (this one seems easiest and least expensive, although highly unconventional and likely to bring us lots of legal hassle) and we are just going to keep trying until we just can’t take it anymore.  Not sure what that looks like in actual real time.  We aren't ready to consider adoption, yet.  We aren’t going to see the RE, yet.  He will likely advise us to use donor eggs (not an option) or IVF (not affordable).  So our best chance is for me to really boost up the health of my own eggs – so it’s back to all the supplements and work I was doing before.  I’m fine with that, it made me feel proactive, healthy, and intentional.  And it is actually the only ‘medicine’ there is as far as egg health goes.  Western medicine can’t help out where this is concerned.  

It feels like the theme of our fertility journey is ‘back to the drawing board.'  And so it is that we will go back.  Brett seems to think that practice makes perfect, so I guess we’ll go with that thinking for now.    

One last thing, thank you to all of you who have reached out to me, to us.  It has meant so much.  When we came back from China, we did so in part because we missed our community of friends here.  It has sometimes been a real struggle to feel that sense of community since we've been home and have often felt adrift out here in NoPo, but your thoughts and words have meant so much to us and we appreciate each of you.