And just like that...it was gone

We kept mum for for most of the first month we knew we were having a baby.  We did tell a few close friends and our moms.  But for the most part, we kept it pretty close to our chest.  In hindsight, I guess maybe there was this part of us that knew not to expect that all things would go perfectly.  We are, after all, on the older end of the having baby spectrum.

Our first appointment was set for Tuesday, November 2nd.  Only about a month after we found out.  It was a foggy morning and although I was excited, there was a sense of apprehension or holding back.  Two days prior, I had bent over to get something out of the oven and my back spasmed.  At the time, I thought it was just my back acting up.  It had happened before.  But knowing now what I do, it is often a sign that you've lost the baby.

I was laying on the exam table staring at the ceiling and wondering what the hell was happening.  I refuse to look at the screen projecting the ultrasound, afraid the amateur doctor in me will come to crazy conclusions that will throw me into a panic.  The ultra sound nurse did her thing and Brett held my hand.  When she finished, she said she didn't want us to wait there until the doctor came in wondering or thinking things were okay.  She told us that she couldn't hear the heartbeat - we'd lost the baby.  It was there, all 6.5 weeks of her or him, but no heartbeat.  We were deflated, to say the least.  

Options...ones we wish we didn't have. We could let it happen naturally, which could happen right away or in weeks.  We could bring it on with pills.  I decided to go in the following day for a D & C in Dr. Johnson's office.  I just wanted to put this behind us.  I didn't want to wait around and relive the moment she told us we weren't having a baby.  We cried and she assured us that the good news was that we could get pregnant. 

It was reassuring to know that, especially since the experience taught me something about myself that I didn't really know before.  I now knew that I wanted to have a baby.  We had gone into this thing ambivalent; we could go either way.  But now I knew that I couldn't go back to that.  I wanted us to have a baby.