Where do we go from here...

The weekend after the D & C, we went to the coast with a group of friends and their kids.  I felt like I was in a daze, the fog had never cleared for me.  And truly, I felt empty.  It was like I had been on an adrenaline high since October and now I was crashing hard.  The future seemed bleak.

It wasn't easy for us as a couple either.  I was insistent on our next steps.  Sounding like Obama talking about his jobs bill - WE MUST GET PREGNANT...RIGHT AWAY.  Brett was less than enthusiastic.  We found ourselves at an impasse - I felt certain of the future I wanted, while he felt this was an opportunity to be circumspect about it and went back to a place of ambivalence.  In my head, it made sense, but in my heart, it sucked.  I knew that our experiences with the pregnancy were drastically different.  I had felt the hormonal and physical changes and they were interwoven with my emotions - tightly woven.  For him, the baby was merely an idea, a possibility that was yet to be a reality.  They say women become mother's the moment they are pregnant, men become father's when they hold the baby for the first time.

The first month was rough.  We got through Thanksgiving with a barrage of family and friends.  I had previously imagined this would have been the moment we told everyone that we were having a baby.  And now, we weren't only not telling folks we were having a baby, we weren't telling them we lost one either.  We were as quiet about that fact, too.  I'm not sure the reason, except to say that at that time, I couldn't talk about it without crying.  In fact, that is often true even some four months after the fact.

December 2nd rolled around, a month since the miscarriage.  I'd marked on my calendar that we would start trying again this month, as soon as my period returned.  But it didn't.  I called my doctor frantically, "Why hasn't it started? How long should it take?"  She advised me to wait 6 weeks before calling back.  I did and it didn't come back.  I called again, "It really could take up to 8 weeks. Give it some more time and call back."

I started to see an acupuncturist in the hopes that I could feel like I was doing something besides waiting around.  I kept taking pregnancy tests, thinking that maybe we would be the lucky ones who get pregnant right away after a miscarriage; but no such luck.  Jo, my acupuncturist, is a god-send.  She started me on herbal supplements - false unicorn root (hopefully it is as magical as it sounds) and vitex.  Two herbs known to help regulate your cycle and prepare your body for pregnancy.  But still no period.

After 10 weeks, we went in for blood work.  No thyroid problems, no hormone issues - all signs pointed towards a healthy body.  But still, no period.  She put me on 10 days of progesterone - lovingly called "The Progesterone Challenge." I failed - no period.  I went in for an ultrasound and a saline histogram.  There was the slight possibility that I had scarring in my uterine lining that was preventing regular cycles or any cycle at all.  Unfortunately, she couldn't maneuver the catheter the way she needed and so couldn't do the procedure.  She did notice, however, on ultrasound that my lining was about 1mm - very, very, very thin. 

So, she put me on a month of birth control pills to see if the estrogen would help boost my lining and bring on a period.  I failed this challenge, too.  Nothing.  We had another failed saline histogram, but she did notice that my lining had increased thickening - up to 5 mm, but still, very thin.

It is now, quite possible, that the problem is a scarred uterine lining that is preventing my cycle from returning and ultimately prevent us from getting pregnant as it currently is.  I continue to take supplements, downing raspberry tea like you can't imagine, boosting my herbal supplements, and hoping that it isn't scarring and that my cycle will regulate itself here soon enough.  I am losing hope of that solution each day.

Due to the failed histograms and the lack of cycles, Dr. Johnson has scheduled me for a hysteroscopy.  Not to be confused with a hysterectomy!  I will have to go under anesthesia while she uses a camera to visually look inside my uterus for scarring or other issues that may be at work.  During the procedure she will be able to remove any scarring and hopefully get us back on the train to babytown.

We had originally scheduled for March 23rd, the day before spring break and two days before we head off to Sayulita, Mexico, but we have decided to reschedule.  Although we want to get things going soon, we don't want to potentially ruin our vacation to do it.  So we will wait, something we are getting pretty good at.