In the same boat

In a few days we are headed to the sunny shores of Sayulita, Mexico for some much needed and much deserved relaxation.  The weather in Portland has been unseasonably cold.  Yesterday, we had a 2-hour late start at school due to overnight snow.  It’s March 22^nd for crying out loud!

It has been months since I actually started writing this blog and about a month since it actually has gone live.  Being an English teacher, I thought it would be good to start writing for myself again and seeing as to the emotional state I was in last fall, I needed to get stuff out. It’s funny though because I could have just kept a journal.  But for some reason, I needed to get it out of my head and even, my house.  When I began to tell the story to friends, I learned that so many of the women in my current circle had similar experiences and in most cases, I’d never known!  It is reassuring to know that I am not the only woman on the planet who had a miscarriage and whose body was acting kooky. 

I knew that writing the story would be healing for me, but what I didn’t expect was the degree to which other’s stories have impacted me.  So many of you, some from my present, some from my past and some from my distant past (a special shout to those of you I’ve know since high school, even elementary school!) have contacted me and your stories have meant so much to me.  It is helpful and heartbreaking all at once to read your emails.  It seems we have kept our stories guarded and close to our hearts.  I find that interesting and it has made me wonder why.

Yes, it’s painful.  That’s one reason I didn’t or couldn’t talk about it.  But for me, and I’m not sure how universal this next part is, there is something to it about feeling less than, feeling inadequate.  I mean, for heaven’s sake it is within our biology to make babies – our bodies are supposed to do it without us having to think about it.  Even the act of is based on instinct.  No one really has to teach us!  And yet, here I am and my body has failed at the most basic level.  And in turn, it feels like I failed.

For the last few months, whenever I would hear about or see pregnant women, and yes, it seems like they are everywhere right now – like a zombie infestation – it has been hard not to feel envy, anxiety, sadness and longing.  My acupuncturist, Jo, went through similar fertility issues and she reminded me of changing the message that inner voice keeps playing.  Instead of “Why not me?” it is, “One day, that will be me.”  It isn’t easy though; cynicism comes way too easy for me.  But it is a good practice for me and I find that it is getting easier with time.   I think that is where all of your stories come in.  It helps to imagine, to remember how common the stories of lost pregnancies are and to think that perhaps that newly pregnant mom has waited months or years for her moment.  It is quite possible that she and her husband struggled and waited, cried and loss, before finally getting their moment in the sun.  When I think of it that way, it is easy for me to replace the envy, the anxiety, with joy and excitement.  To share in what must be the joy they feel, knowing that one day, it really will be me.  And for those of you in the same boat, it will be you, too.